Distance from family. Is it possible to make up for lost events? How to mitigate the effect of absence?
Working away from home inevitably impinges on both the one who works - a seafarer, and his family members. After all, time flows differently for the seafarer and for those who are waiting for him at home. While the seafarer is at sea, his son went to school, on New Year's day the daughter introduced her mother to her fiancé, and by February, she had already broken up with him. The seafarer missed the whole “series” of family events and it is impossible to make up for them post factum.
The spouse, the father, seems to “fall out” of the context of family events for a certain period. The longer this period is, the more difficult it is to fit back into this context later.
What makes close people close?
Experience, events that they go through together, be it a promotion or a child's first tooth, repairs or buying a pet - any big or small things that we make significant. In seafarers’ families, while they are at sea, each person lives with their own daily concerns, often incomprehensible to the partner.
Being without her husband most of the time, the wife, on the one hand, gets used to solving many problems on her own, on the other hand, she expects her husband's participation and help upon his return. Often, the husband, who returns home with money (especially if he is the only one who is working), considers himself the master. At the same time, the wife, who must cope with the daily tasks of the family on her own, considers herself the head of the family. Or, as one of my clients, the seafarer’s wife, said, smiling slyly: “my husband is the head, but I am the neck” - such a model often leads to conflicts.
Returning home after a voyage, the man experiences adaptation again, needs rest. He loses the usual everyday routine, where someone cooks food, someone washes dishes, and clothes are washed, without his direct participation. Therefore, the seafarer may want to isolate himself from everyone, be withdrawn, unsociable, and have an unstable emotional background. Some people solve these problems by drinking alcohol, which acts as a kind of “damper” against the collision with a new reality. When a person, having returned back home, feels a bit of a stranger. While the spouse is re-integrating into life on land, it is time for him to go to sea again. The circle closes.
What such couples have to face:
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Lack of effective communication. Lack of communication between spouses, or superficial conversations that do not support the emotional connection between partners. The inability to solve everyday issues together, as well as the lack of joint affairs leads to alienation, loss of unity and the we-feeling. Two competing “I” come into play.
- If there is a child. He/she will “go through” the roles of man and woman proposed by the family. For example, the perception of “what dad does in the family” can be limited to the fact that dad brings money and gifts, and has no family responsibilities. Moreover, if mom wins the “I” competition, then dad has no rights at all.
- Bedroom territory. Jealousy, loneliness, apprehension - this is only a small list of complaints from women whose husbands go to sea. Anxiety causes insecurity and an unconscious feeling of guilt due to prolonged abstinence. In addition, if the couple does not discuss these issues freely and openly, this often leads to discord, sexual relations outside the marriage.
- Who is the boss here. The responsibility that falls on the wife in the absence of her husband often risks becoming a tool with which the woman will prove her leadership. In response to such “psychological castration”, the man can prove his masculinity through an authoritarian character, strict control of finances, sole decision-making in trivial matters, extreme hobbies.
- Emotional waves. Often, the internal emotional background of the family adjusts to departures. For example, the return of a spouse and father can be accompanied by both an emotional upsurge for the whole family and irritation from having to re-adapt to each other.
How can we live with all this?
Talk more.
When you are far from each other, a lot remains behind the scenes, behind the curtain, and a lot is also thought up, and believe me, human imagination is limitless. Do not be surprised if your partner can imagine something just because he or she reads your message with the wrong intonation. In order not to let these fantasies take over you, talk, say what you think, what you feel.
There are no trifles.
What seems insignificant to you is also part of your life together. Do not limit conversations only to problems and complaints. Share pleasant moments as well. This will help fill the gaps that arise due to the absence of a spouse nearby.
Create your own family model.
Your family may differ from the traditional one, because the man comes and goes. Sometimes the husband is the head of the family, sometimes the wife. Develop your own rules and rituals to meet the emotional needs of the family. To feel your family traditional and complete. For example, when the husband is at home, every Saturday the whole family gathers around the big table for dinner. Or on Sundays, dad, who has just come back from the sea, always fries pancakes for kids for breakfast. Or in the first week after the husband's return, the whole family arranges an evening of stupid movies, orders pizza or corn and laughs merrily.
Two adults.
It is easier to solve any problem by two adults than by an adult and an infantile “child” in an adult's body. Or, even worse, by two such “children”. Remember that you are two mature individuals who, for some reason, chose each other as you are. Therefore, do not try to change your partner. Believe me, you will definitely not like a changed one. When you quarrel, remind yourself of the phrase of an old Odessa resident: “Do you want to be right or happy?”
Author of the article: psychologist Natalia Telipko
https://www.instagram.com/natalia_telipko
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