CONFLICTS. Why Do They Happen and What Can They Teach Me?
Each of us has once faced, been a participant, onlooker or instigator of conflict. What actually happens when emotions overshadow common sense, and it is almost impossible to manage a process that was completely manageable just a second ago?
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To understand, prevent and/or stop a conflict, it is important to understand its essence: not why the conflict flares up, but what for. Namely, what does each of its parties want?
A conflicting party always fights for something. Whether it’s power (I’ll show you, prove, sue you), recognition (you don’t know who you’ve got into a thing with), attention (they don’t hear me, I’m not understood, I’m deprived), stress relief (I had a row with my wife - I hit my colleague’s face), etc. The task is to involve into a conflict both the person with whom he/she will sort things out and the audience. Your task is to see and recognize it.
How to recognize a conflict at its very beginning? The first signs of conflict:
- Change in behavior.
If a team member experiences sudden changes in behavior, such as aggression, isolation, excessive irritability, or passivity, this may be a sign of internal conflict.
2. Gossip and distortion of information.
If a person begins to spread rumors or distort facts to provoke disagreements among team members, this may also indicate a possible conflict.
3. Denial of problems.
If crew members continually deny that there are some problems or conflicts, this may be a sign of reluctance or fear to face them.
As a rule, when a collision ALREADY occurs, one or both parties have a whole list of accumulated dissatisfaction and complaints. Perhaps conflict at work is a way to cope with anxiety, sadness, and disappointment in a completely different area.
Why do we need to know all this? In order not to get involved in this emotional whirlpool and maintain clarity of perception. To understand that the opponent speaks out of emotion and his/her words actually do not apply to me. When a person goes into conflict, it indicates that something has gone wrong inside him/her. If I support the conflict and get involved in it, it means that I have a disorder inside.
This way of looking at things helps you control your emotions rather than being caught up in them.
To sum up, we will briefly list the actions that should be taken if a conflict arises:
- We try to see the true causes of the conflict. What is hidden behind this aggressive clash? What is the real need of the conflicting party? What do I need?
- We listen not to WHAT people say, but look at ourselves at this moment. HOW did I hear this? What stung me and why? After all, an emotionally healthy person will remain calm, understanding that the conflict is the pain of the person who started it. They who conflict are in pain.
- We speak about ourselves only through “I-messages.” For example, instead of “you are behaving inappropriately,” we say, “I feel deceived,” “I am angry,” “Everything is boiling inside me”. When we talk about ourselves, the opponent is not offended, so he/she will not defend himself/herself or attack. He/she will have no reason to continue the conflict.
- The better you understand yourself and the reason for your reactions, the easier it is for you to control yourself in situations of conflict. Basic knowledge of psychology and therapy will help you.
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Within regard to conflicts, it is especially important to know about yourself how you most often react to a conflict situation.
For example, you try to negotiate peacefully, avoid conflict, instantly flare up and enter into confrontation, cave in and take the opposite point of view lying down, etc.
If I know what reactions are characteristic of me, then I recognize my sufferings and do not allow them to develop.
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Conflict prevention:
Working in a limited team significantly narrows personal space.
- Find something to which you can shift your attention, other than work. Sports, books, learning, etc.
- Any chemicals, be it alcohol or drugs, do not solve the problem, but create the illusion of solving it.
- Magic question to yourself to relieve tension or anxiety: Will this be important in 1 year? In 10? In 20?
- Speak it aloud, do not accumulate in yourself what irritates.
- We do not transfer conflict, solving it where it started. If there are problems at work, you should not take it out on your family, and vice versa.
It is impossible to teach someone not to conflict, because conflict also has a flip side - truth is born in disputes. Therefore, the important thing becomes not how to avoid conflict, but what role in it you choose for yourself and what lesson you subsequently learn for yourself.
Author of the article: psychologist Natalia Telipko
https://www.instagram.com/natalia_telipko
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